CICELY SPONGE

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve long been a fan of scrambled eggs, but I’ve noticed young people barely
talk about them. Any idea why?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
It’s a little known fact that I was Jayne Torvill’s understudy at the 1984 Winter
Olympics in Sarajevo. Whilst I can’t ice skate, the chemistry between me and
Christopher Dean was so hot, the ice would have melted leading to the
cancellation of the Olympics, giving Jayne enough time to recover.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Some people think ‘hope springs eternal’. But I doubt those people have
experienced a fortnight’s family caravanning holiday in Skegness.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
If you’re not going on holiday, you can always make people think you’re going
on holiday by walking around all day holding your passport and pulling one of
those suitcases on wheels. Not only will people wish you a great time, you
won’t have to go through security.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’m becoming increasingly frustrated by theatres serving ice-cream in the
interval. When did they serve the main course? Surely a simple chicken teriyaki
on a bed of saffron noodles or a duck egg omelette infused with truffle oil
wouldn’t be too much to ask. They could save the ice-cream for the end.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
According to google, if you laid all the string in the world end to end it would
reach the moon. Which is odd as no-one knows how long’s a piece of string.
Makes you think doesn’t it.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
If, like me, you struggle to remember the winners of Wimbledon in the 1970s,
you may find the following mnemonic useful:
‘Everyone likes antelopes’.
Whilst none of the letters correspond to the winners’ names, it is very easy to
remember.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
1972 was a difficult year for me as although I broke the world record for
consuming the most prunes in the fastest time, I hadn’t pitted them. The fallout
from the resulting blockage required the attendance of more than one fire crew
at my maisonette, an event that has lingered long in the annals of Polegate’s
renowned fire-fighting history.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’m delighted to be able to tell you that finally, after countless submissions, my
article on ‘How to pickle a Haddock’ has been accepted by the UK's leading
pickling journal, ‘Beyond Rollmops'. Initially the editors felt the haddock was out
of financial reach for most picklers. But as I explain in the article, if you can’t
afford a haddock, you’ll achieve the same results by pickling your socks.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
If, like me, you were a teenage trampoline sensation, the chances are you’ll now
be suffering from mild tinnitus. I’d recommend eating boiled tofu drizzled with
mayonnaise and marmite, or maymite as I like to call it. It doesn’t cure the
tinnitus but you won’t be aware you have the condition while you eat it.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Ever since Nik Kershaw sung the immortal line "Near a tree by a river there's a
hole in the ground" I've avoided riverside activities. You can't be too careful.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Growing up in Nantwich in the 1970s, and as the only child of a coffee
percolator and fondue salesman, I’m understandably well accustomed to high
class living and fine dining. Which is why I find this recent trend by restaurants
to state the kitchen utensil used to cook the food somewhat irksome. If I want a
fried egg, there is no need for the restaurant to tell me it will be ‘pan-fried’. As
an adult human in possession of most of my teeth and with a part share in a
semi-functional hot-tub, I am now reasonably able to discern that my egg is
unlikely to be fried in a toaster.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As East Croydon’s Ladies Darts Quarter Finalist in 1973, I enjoyed a degree of
celebrity which opened a number of doors for me, including the VIP toilets at
Cinderella Rockefellas. Fame and recognition came at a cost though, as it
wasn’t long before I couldn’t even go in my local Bejams. Whether this was due
to my celebrity status or because I once failed to pay for a family pack of arctic
rolls, it’s impossible to know.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I toured with Keith Harris and Orville in the 1980s, and remember with
fondness, tinged with some embarrassment, the night we spent in a launderette
in Lowestoft. Fondness as it was Keith’s birthday. Embarrassment as I
inadvertently tumble-dried Orville and he was never really the same again.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As Chairman of Polegate’s foremost Artichoke Appreciation Society, we’ve
updated our motto to ‘E pluribus unum artichoke’. Something else that sets us
apart from Polegate’s other Artichoke Appreciation Societies.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Changing the subject, I was thinking to myself the other day that if I’d had a
son, I’d have called him Riley. He’d live a life.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I've just been to my antique furniture restoration group where I met a lovely
man called John. We help repair eachother’s antiques. As a favour I polished his
tallboy. And he's been buffing up my ormolu all afternoon.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Having survived Christmas I need to put my bins out and I wondered if you
knew what day it is?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I joined a gym on new year’s day and have now cancelled my subscription. So
not only have I fulfilled one of my resolutions, I’ve also saved a fortune as well
as freeing up the time I would have spent going to the gym.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’m having a clearout. I’ve got half a box of raspberry tea-bags, a polyester
sarong, and most of the second series of Lovejoy on VHS. I’m reluctant to let
go of the sarong, or Lovejoy, but if you take the teabags you can have the lot.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I went on a coach trip to Nantwich in 1982. Whilst there I ate at the A530 Cafe
and had to choose between soup of the day (Minestrone) and a Jacket Potato
with cheese. I went for the soup and have regretted my decision ever since.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Since my pelvic floor collapsed on 27 March 2003, I have dedicated my life to
rebuilding it. By committing to an exclusively offal based diet and practising
pilates 12 hours every day, I’m now strong enough downstairs to crack a Brazil
nut. Never give up on your dreams Mr Bar.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Whilst preparing my mid-morning omelette, Jesus’s face appeared in the eggy
mixture. Although it could have been Demis Roussos. Regardless, I’ll never
receive whatever message they had for me as I’ve decided to boil my eggs in
future.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
They said I’d never amount to anything. They were right. But I do have a
formidable collection of linoleum offcuts.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As a Virgo, with Sagittarius rising, Pisces descending and a new moon in
Scorpio (occasionally), I’ve discovered I’m fully compatible with anyone born
north of the Greenwich Meridian on a Tuesday in January, 1943. Provided they
have their own teeth.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’m often credited with inventing the internal combustion engine. This isn’t true.
But I did once make a lemon meringue pie.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve just secured a place in Polegate’s annual turnip tossing competition. Having
only ever tossed suedes, I’m a bit of an underdog. But as Rick Stein famously
said: “Nowt’s the difference ‘tween a turnip and a suede.” And having built his
culinary empire on root vegetables, he should know.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As Chair of Polegate’s foremost Pearl Diving Society, I would like to invite you to
a taster day. We’re meeting in Tescos’ car park. Bring a towel. And pearls.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I come from a long line of Sponges, going back to 1066 when my family, the
Sponges of Limoges, fought alongside William the Conqueror at Hastings. My
ancestor, Cecil De Sponge De Limoges, was William’s mobile hairdresser. He
was single-handedly responsible for ensuring William’s trademark side parting
was never out of place, even when skirmishing.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I was recently inducted into Wrexham’s Penny Farthing Appreciation Society.
No-one was more surprised than me, as I’ve no interest in Penny Farthings and
I’ve never been to Wrexham. I feel this could be a major turning point in my life.
Or a clerical error.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Mr Bar
I had planned to go camping this summer. However instead, I spent a week
sleeping in my kitchen with the windows open and the taps running. I’ve had
the same experience and saved a fortune on camping fees. I’d recommend it.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve just embarked on the first ever solo circumnavigation of Polegate in a
pedalo dressed as Heston Blumentahl. It’s an audacious undertaking and
doesn’t come without risk. But as Heston famously said: ‘Don’t put all your
minestrone in one basket’. So I’ve packed a selection of soft cheeses, and with
a fair wind, expect to be home by Autumn.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
It’s nice to see Harrison Ford back on the big screen. I spent much of the 80s
playing his stunt double. At canasta.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
According to my therapist, I ‘chose’ my parents. I think that’s unlikely as if I had,
I’d have grown up in Monaco, not Croydon.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As chairperson of the ‘Sidley & Dunfermline Underwater Yodelling Society’ I’d like to invite you to our Annual Away Day. It’s being held at Lorraine Kelly’s house, as she has a hot-tub that can hold 50 Underwater Yodellers. If you know Lorraine, please could you ask her if it’s ok to use her hot-tub. And get her address.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As founder member of Polegate’s leading ‘Trigonometry Society’ I have a huge fondness for tangents. Do you know where I can buy a cheese grater?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Having spent the weekend with Prince William, I’ve decided to turn my back on the 9 to 5 and become a Monarch. If you know of any openings, or countries that require ruling, please let me know.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As Chair of Polegate’s foremost Mud Wrestling and Ferret Whispering Society, we’ve run out of Mud. And Ferrets. Would you be interested in joining our newly formed Wrestling and Whispering Club?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I love the summer as much as the next octogenarian, but finding myself newly single, I’m struggling to apply my Hawaiian Tropic. If you could spare a minute, I’m on the beach next to Groyne 47.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I performed at Eurovision in 1981. I mounted the stage dressed as Huggy Bear, and sung most of ‘Bright Eyes’ before being wrestled to the ground by a burly, if attractive, security chap. We dated, but split due to musical differences.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Whilst cleaning my chakras last Tuesday, a pound coin fell out of my sacral chakra. Not what I was expecting, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I decided to find myself last week, so I went to Cumbria. Whilst I can’t say I became enlightened, I did become slightly damp. I’m not ruling out a connection.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve been asked to give my interests on a dating app. As I’ve aged, those interests have changed. My main interest these days is ‘having an afternoon nap’. Is that appropriate?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
It has come to my attention that I’m ageing. I know this, as I have developed a disproportionate fondness for park benches.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve decided to identify as an A list millionaire super model. If I’m a bit wrinkly when I see you, it’s because I intend to spend the next month in my bath. Which I’ve identified as a yacht.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As Secretary of Polegate’s ‘Advanced Chakra Cleansing & Bacon Grating’ Society, I am responsible for health & safety. From March, all members will be encouraged to wear hats, unless polishing their crown chakras. In which case hair nets are recommended.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I have 3 Pigs and 1 Blanket left over from Christmas. Plus 7 Sprouts. You’re welcome to the lot if you can collect. I’d drop them off but I’m bedridden due to a mystery bout of food poisoning.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
If there are only 12 days of Christmas, why does it drag on for over a month?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Touring with Nik Kershaw in the ‘80s gave me an insight into the life of a rock ’n roll superstar. It was that insight, coupled with my lack of musical ability, that led me to take up professional carp fishing. I’ve never looked back.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As President of Polegate’s ‘Warm to Slightly Hot Water Bathing Society’, I am regularly fending off our cold water rivals. Their common claim that I’ll ‘feel better afterwards’ belies a misunderstanding of how I presently feel, which is invariably good and never in need of a cold dunking.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve been offered the part of James Bond in the next Bond movie, ‘No-one Ever Dies’, where 007 identifies as a woman. I still save the world, but with no loss of life or property damage.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As President of Polegate’s premier Goat Herding & Disco Club, I’ve organised a fund-raising roller disco in the station car park. Tickets are £1.27, which entitles you to a prime organic goat burger and the choice of one track from NOW That’s What I Call Music! 1985, although Level 42’s ‘Something About You’ is slightly scratched, so probably don’t choose that one.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As founder member of Polegate’s Mountaineering & Allotment Club, I am planning on making the first known ascent up Butts Brow with a wheelbarrow full of cauliflower cheese. If you’re aware of this having been done before, please let me know as I don’t want to waste my time.
I’m setting out at sunrise on Thursday morning.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As 17th in line to the Earldom of Polegate, I feel it’s important to give back. So l’ve taken all my empty pint glasses back to the Dog & Bucket.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I remember meeting the Queen at the anniversary breakfast of the Polegate Tuna Fishing and Hole Punching Society. As a keen Hole Puncher, she was absolutely thrilled to be invited and barely complained that she had to sit on the floor as we’d run out of chairs.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As the little known sixth member of the Spice Girls, I rarely get the recognition I deserve. But without me, there would have been no Zig-a-Zig-Ah, and a band without Zig-a-Zig-Ah is like a stew without turnips. That’s right. I was the Spice Girls’ missing turnip.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
It’s the annual away day of the ‘Sidley & Dunstable Society of Mandolin Tuners and Clay Pigeon Fanciers’. We spent the morning foraging on Tom Cruise’s East Mid-Lothian Ferret and Fungi Farm, and the afternoon in A&E. Join us next year when we’re planning a trip to Judi Dench’s Line Dancing themed Ski-Jump and Apple-bobbing Centre.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Having been mentioned in the latest Reader’s Digest, my life’s ambition has been fulfilled. I intend to spend the rest of my days smoking woodbines and playing the occasional game of pétanque.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Would you have any objection to me bringing a foot spa to Wednesday’s show? Only I have a painful bunion and Epsom Salts are the only thing that gets me through the day. Well, that and a schooner of Harvey’s Bristol Cream.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Congratulations on reopening at the Towner. Can you let the Towner know that I can offer them a unique exhibition of spatulas, sourced largely from Kent in the late 1970s. They could do with a bit of a rinse first though.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar
As Chairman of Polegate’s Wakeboarding and Shove Ha’penny Society, I’m responsible for our annual away-day. We don’t currently have any Wakeboards or Ha’pennies. Or members. So if you have any, or would like to join, please call me.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar
I finished all the books yesterday. So if you’ve any jobs that need doing, I’m available.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Congratulations on your 5 year anniversary. I also recently celebrated an anniversary. It’s been 5 years since I started playing the Tuba and not a day goes by when you can’t hear me belting out Dancing Queen to the happy amusement of the local townsfolk.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As a trainee conspiracy theorist, I agree the Earth is flat. But what about Mars?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate (noticeably flat)

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve just returned from a tour of Suffolk with Jennifer Aniston and her
Nasal Accordion. Credit for the success of the tour should, of course,
go to Ms Aniston. However I must point out that our near sell-out gig at
Pontins in Lowestoft would have been a complete failure had I not been
there to improvise on bass triangle and washboard.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve been to the Bavard Bar sixteen and a half times now, and I’m still
none the wiser. Can you help?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Why do people want to get out of their ‘comfort zone’? I’ve never had a
comfort zone. So if you know of one, please tell me. I’d like to get in
it.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve always been partial to a boiled egg and a pickled herring and I
wondered whether you would consider serving them as interval snacks?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve refined my New Years’ resolutions. Rather than becoming trilingual,
I’ve decided to learn to play the cymbals.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As founder, and only, member of the Polegate and District Cheese
Pickling Society, I am always on the lookout for new cheeses. And
members. If you know anyone?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Do you know who is responsible for Tupperware Parties? Only I’ve got a
cupboard full of lids I need to return.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I have 17 Noel Edmonds’ shaped egg-cups to give away. Noel was a huge
inspiration to me and my hope is that my egg-cups will enable future
generations to continue to be inspired by him. At least over breakfast.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Now that we’ve ‘taken back control’, can you tell me where I can get a
packet of hobnobs and some thermal underwear. Within walking distance.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve just returned from a tour of Peckham with William Shatner’s
Washboard and Harmonica Ensemble. If you haven’t heard Shatner tear up
the Prodigy’s Firestarter on a 1950s Columbus washboard you haven’t
lived.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I recently joined Polegate’s competitive yoga and mindfulness society.
We were all done in a moment, leaving me free to enjoy an evening’s beer
and skittles down the Frog and Bucket.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Inspired by Sir David Attenborough, please can you put me down as not
speaking at your online Bavard Bar on 1st April. I look forward to it.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I may be late to tonight’s show as according to my Zoom online
meditation and ‘be here now’ class, I have to spend today wrapped in
vine leaves. If I can unwrap in time, I’ll see you there.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
On this day in 1971, I spent a glorious afternoon riding pillion for
Peter Purves as a stunt double for Valerie Singleton. The piece never
got aired, as Peter crashed into a horse drawn chariot driven by Lionel
Blair rehearsing for ‘Ben-Hur, the musical’ on the B37 just outside
Welshpool.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I recently pulled out all the stops. I’d be grateful for your help as I really need to put them back.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, Having recently got science, I moved on to art yesterday, and have now done that. I’ll do music next week and then that’s me done. So I’ll be free to dig over your veg patch from Wednesday onwards.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, At a recent meeting of the Polegate apple-bobbing and thimble-twirling society, a club steeped in controversy over its decision to cancel its 1988 summer away-day to Pevensey following the great 1988 apple and thimble shortage, I felt the decision to allow the use of ‘alternative hard fruit such as pineapples’ was a backward step and one that will only serve to further diminish our club’s reputation.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, Reading my horoscope this morning I was astounded to learn that “finishing a job that has been complicated will fill you with pride.” This has come as such a revelation to me that I’ve decided to finish the washing up, a job I started in June 2007.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I wondered if you would be interested in attending the annual dinner-dance of Polegate’s caving and figure-skating club? I have quite a lot of left over turkey, and if you had any sprouts, we could make it a night to remember. Or forget, depending on the state of your sprouts.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, One of my new year’s resolutions was to become more alluring. So I’ve started collecting Austin Allegro Hubcaps. I haven’t found any yet, so please let me know if you come across some.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve decided to work towards financial independence. Any chance you could see your way to giving me tax fee regular income, free housing and unlimited travel to ease the transition?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’d like to apologise to anyone who witnessed my behaviour on Sunday afternoon. I’d had a little too much Bristol Cream at the annual lunch of Polegate’s ‘Tapas and Tapestry Club’. Suffice to say, no-one needed to hear my rendition of ‘Livin La Vida Loca’. Nor did they need to see me perform it wearing just a hi-vis and sombrero.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar,I’ve just booked my summer holiday. Two weeks in East Croydon may not be everyone’s first choice, but if you want to avoid tourists, you may want to consider it.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I was at a loose end last Tuesday, so I decided to get science. Let me know when you’ve a free speaking slot and I’ll happily bavard about it, as it’s all pretty straightforward. Things do get a bit weird on the sub-atomic level, but I’ll probably gloss over that with a bit of whistling.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’ll never forget the advice my old headmistress gave me on my last day of school: “Follow your dreams Cicely. Failing which, on a cost per alcohol percentage basis, sherry is your best bet.”
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I have just founded the 4th East Polegate & Sidley whale-watching society. Observations will be held in my flat as, on a clear day, standing on a chair and using a high-powered telescope, you can get a glimpse of the channel from my bathroom window. We’ll post sightings on all the usual whale-watching channels.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, All this ‘daylight time’ we’ve been ‘saving’. Where are we putting it?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I heard that Buble today, crooning about things “beginning to look a lot like xmas.” Well unless xmas resembles a pair of marigolds and an armful of antifoul, not from where I’m standing.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, As a young woman growing up in Cheam in the 60s, life was tough. It wasn’t until a Berni Inn opened on Cheam High Street in 1970 that my life started to make sense. It closed a year later but at least I’d had a glimmer.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, Apparently, ‘It’s a long way to Tipperary.’ Maybe, but not if you live in Cork.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, congratulations on your move to the Towner. I recently offered the Towner a unique opportunity to display my latest exhibition ‘Silence of the Jams’, a self-curated collection of jam jars from 1983 to 1987. They declined. Their loss was Pevensey & Westham’s Judo and Joinery Club’s gain. Every cloud.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve just heard that much like the inns at the time of the Xmas story, there’s no room at your Bavard Bar at Kino-teatr on 18th December. Is that where the parallel ends or can we expect a virgin birthon the night?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve been led to believe that life is a bit of a journey. That being so, do you have any idea where I put my car keys?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I have developed a new passion and am keen to share it with your audience. Courgettes*. I’ll bring samples. Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate
*Other vegetables are available

Dear Mr Bar, I’m not saying a sub 2 hour marathon isn’t impressive, but I once went round Croydon’s IKEA quicker. Just saying.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, in the mid 60s, at the height of my skiffle career (‘Cicely and her Sponges’), I played the Whitby Empire. It was a rainy night in November, with a wind chill that could freeze sprouts in an Aga, but the crowd that showed up were stoic. And surprised. Never give up. I didn’t, despite persistent requests.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, people, including Enya, often ask me what my inspiration was for ‘Orinoco Flow’. In the mid 80s I managed a plumbers merchants in Wimbledon. It wrote itself.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, I consoled myself for missing out on Glastonbury tickets by remembering that I really like sleeping in a house.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, As captain of Polegate’s long distance snorkeling club, I’m responsible for de-misting members’ goggles. The role was created after the club spent a long weekend in Jamie Oliver’s hot tub, and not the Sussex Ouse as originally planned. Jamie was remarkably sanguine about it, and signed almost all of our snorkels.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’m reminded today of something my father used to say to me: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.’ Advice to live by. You can thank me later.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I noticed recently that you claimed to have been double-glazing windows since records began. When, exactly, did records begin?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why? I recently had the same experience, but in a town. Got off a coach in Skegness. No idea why. So I had some pickled herrings and came home.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I recently attended a conference on the persistent use of workshops at conferences. In my workshop we also considered the persistent use of conferences. Overall, I would have preferred a blue biro, but the mints were great.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, In these uncertain times, I am reminded of something my great aunt used to say: ‘Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.’
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, “Are you going to Scarborough Fair” is a fair question with a limited number of answers comprising yes, no or maybe. “Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme” seems a bit left field. Could you shed any light?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve just finished my ‘To do’ list. What now?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, having written the opening line of my first novella, I’m reminded of something my great aunt used to say: “Why do today what you can do tomorrow.” So I’m off down the pub.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, Given the craze of going ‘out out’, I thought I’d stay ‘in in’. I’ve got 7 litres of drinking chocolate, a KFC family bucket, and the entire back catalogue of ‘Songs of Praise’ on VHS. If that’s not a stairway to heaven, I don’t know what is.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, at your last Bavard, there was a talk about bottom-reading. I have a bottom and am happy for it to be read. If that helps.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, having been glued to the TV set all day Sunday, I was relieved to have it removed by a surgeon earlier today. My hands may now be gloved, but I’ll be at Wednesday’s Bavard Bar for sure!
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, Given the heat, I’m considering my wardrobe for your August Bavards. Is there a Bavardian dress-code or will flip-flops and a pashmina be acceptable?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, whilst I wasn’t the first person on the moon, I was the first person to use bullet points in East Sussex. A not inconsiderable achievement when you consider a world without such a grammatical system.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve just cashed in my nectar points from the past 20 years. I didn’t need a desk-tidy, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Free desk-tidy with every Bavard Bar ticket.*
*Desk not included. Tidiness levels may go up as well as down. Always tidy your desk responsibly. Other desk-tidies are available, just not as good.

Dear Mr Bar, I had to withdraw from this year’s Love Island as I had a recurrence of gout. I’ve taken solace in my subscription to ‘Linoleum Today’ and look forward to bavarding soon on a variety of surfaces. Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate.
The Bavard Bar. Come along!

Dear Mr Bar, they say everyone has a book in them. In case you’re wondering, I don’t.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, as a former Eurovision contestant, I have a number of stories of back-stage shenanigans involving myself, Mr Wogan, three members of Bucks Fizz and the Copenhagen ice hockey team. For a pickled egg and pint of mild, I’ll tell all at your anniversary show. Let me know.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, as you know, I turned down the role of Sandy in Grease to pursue my vocation as a sea-faring clairvoyant. Whilst that didn’t work out, I do have some stories from my time working on board the Canvey Island ferry in the late ’70s. I’d be happy to ‘bavard’ about them.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, on reflection, making Kate Bush’s ‘Greatest Hits’ the only album I took to my desert island was a mistake. I’m not saying there aren’t some classics on there, but 28 years of ‘Babooshka’ has left me as weak as a kitten.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve recently returned from spending 28 years on a desert island, just off the A27. I passed the time by inventing the internet and fine-tuning the recipe for dairylea slices. Let me know if you’re in need of a cheese and web based talk and I’ll happily step up.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I understand your little show is having a 2nd birthday party on Thursday. I can’t be there as it clashes with the annual dinner of the ‘Polegate Falconry and Foliage Society’. Put me down to speak at the next one though. I’ll deal with feathers and Alfred, my other half, will cover leaves.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, as you know, I was the first person to free climb El Capitan, an achievement I now liken to doing your ‘Oojah Kappivvy’. Fewer finger holds but equally vertiginous. Any news on ‘Bohemia Road’…?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve just finished my first memoir entitled ‘Whole lotta lycra’. It’s about my time with Bejam’s cycling team in the mid 1970s. I’d be happy to talk about it, but it’s quite racy.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, as a former member of the Underwater Bell-ringers and Ballroom-dancers Union (I championed the merger), I have a wealth of aquatic knowledge. As well as lots of bells. I would be happy to give a demonstration at one of your shows if you’d like?
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, as a long-standing fan of Baywatch, I heard a rumour that The Hoff is bavarding at Wednesday’s show. Supported by Rick Astley on kettledrum. Could this be true?
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, your next show clashes with the reunion of the ‘Totnes and Scunthorpe Dry-skiing Club’, which club I founded in the early 1970s. It was a splinter group from the ‘Rye and Pebsham Snowboarders Society’. We’d like to come, could you reserve us some seats?
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, Would you have any use for a heated oven glove? It’s an unwanted gift as I have decided to exist on a diet of raw food for the first half of 2019. I don’t expect to make it to the second half.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve just heard that the people of Sidley have voted to leave Rother and set up a Municipality similar to Monaco. Only with fewer yachts. Would you like to go halves on a timeshare there with me?
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I may be late to Wednesday’s Bavard Bar as I’ve just returned from a tour of Finland with Sylvester Stallone’s ‘Magical recorder band’ and am nursing a hangover following an end of tour game of Twister. ‘What goes on tour stays on tour’, but suffice to say Mr Stallone is incredibly flexible for a man of his years.
Yours sincerely, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I see from Facebook that the December ‘bavards’ are xmas specials. I’m not one for xmas, although I am partial to a warm sherry. Will there be any?
Yours, Mrs Sponge, Polegate.