CICELY SPONGE

FOLLOW CICELY & GET IN TOUCH

@cicelysponge cicely@bavardbar.co.uk
Cicely Sponge.Cicely Sponge lives in a slightly damp two bedroom maisonette in Polegate with her longterm friend Alfred, an Italian downhill skier, and a quintet of budgerigars. A former Flamenco dancer, Cicely is now in the autumn of her days and enjoys the occasional pint of stout, pickled eggs and a good old fashioned arm wrestle. She also quite likes sea fishing.

Cicely writes regularly to the Bavard Bar, venting her frustrations following a failed attempt to circumnavigate East Sussex in a pedalo. An attempt that got off to a promising start, only to be derailed on the A259 just outside Ninfield when she narrowly missed a squirrel and had to be rescued by the 6th Winchelsea Sea Scouts.

You can follow Cicely on Twitter @cicelysponge or email her cicely@bavardbar.co.uk Although why you would do either of those things is questionable.

LETTERS FROM CICELY

OCTOBER 2023

Dear Mr Bar
Since my pelvic floor collapsed on 27 March 2003, I have dedicated my life to
rebuilding it. By committing to an exclusively offal based diet and practising
pilates 12 hours every day, I’m now strong enough downstairs to crack a Brazil
nut. Never give up on your dreams Mr Bar.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Whilst preparing my mid-morning omelette, Jesus’s face appeared in the eggy
mixture. Although it could have been Demis Roussos. Regardless, I’ll never
receive whatever message they had for me as I’ve decided to boil my eggs in
future.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
They said I’d never amount to anything. They were right. But I do have a
formidable collection of linoleum offcuts.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As a Virgo, with Sagittarius rising, Pisces descending and a new moon in
Scorpio (occasionally), I’ve discovered I’m fully compatible with anyone born
north of the Greenwich Meridian on a Tuesday in January, 1943. Provided they
have their own teeth.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

SEPTEMBER 2023

Dear Mr Bar
I’m often credited with inventing the internal combustion engine. This isn’t true.
But I did once make a lemon meringue pie.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve just secured a place in Polegate’s annual turnip tossing competition. Having
only ever tossed suedes, I’m a bit of an underdog. But as Rick Stein famously
said: “Nowt’s the difference ‘tween a turnip and a suede.” And having built his
culinary empire on root vegetables, he should know.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As Chair of Polegate’s foremost Pearl Diving Society, I would like to invite you to
a taster day. We’re meeting in Tescos’ car park. Bring a towel. And pearls.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I come from a long line of Sponges, going back to 1066 when my family, the
Sponges of Limoges, fought alongside William the Conqueror at Hastings. My
ancestor, Cecil De Sponge De Limoges, was William’s mobile hairdresser. He
was single-handedly responsible for ensuring William’s trademark side parting
was never out of place, even when skirmishing.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

AUGUST 2023

Dear Mr Bar
I was recently inducted into Wrexham’s Penny Farthing Appreciation Society.
No-one was more surprised than me, as I’ve no interest in Penny Farthings and
I’ve never been to Wrexham. I feel this could be a major turning point in my life.
Or a clerical error.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Mr Bar
I had planned to go camping this summer. However instead, I spent a week
sleeping in my kitchen with the windows open and the taps running. I’ve had
the same experience and saved a fortune on camping fees. I’d recommend it.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve just embarked on the first ever solo circumnavigation of Polegate in a
pedalo dressed as Heston Blumentahl. It’s an audacious undertaking and
doesn’t come without risk. But as Heston famously said: ‘Don’t put all your
minestrone in one basket’. So I’ve packed a selection of soft cheeses, and with
a fair wind, expect to be home by Autumn.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
It’s nice to see Harrison Ford back on the big screen. I spent much of the 80s
playing his stunt double. At canasta.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
According to my therapist, I ‘chose’ my parents. I think that’s unlikely as if I had,
I’d have grown up in Monaco, not Croydon.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

JULY 2023

Dear Mr Bar
As chairperson of the ‘Sidley & Dunfermline Underwater Yodelling Society’ I’d like to invite you to our Annual Away Day. It’s being held at Lorraine Kelly’s house, as she has a hot-tub that can hold 50 Underwater Yodellers. If you know Lorraine, please could you ask her if it’s ok to use her hot-tub. And get her address.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As founder member of Polegate’s leading ‘Trigonometry Society’ I have a huge fondness for tangents. Do you know where I can buy a cheese grater?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Having spent the weekend with Prince William, I’ve decided to turn my back on the 9 to 5 and become a Monarch. If you know of any openings, or countries that require ruling, please let me know.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

JUNE 2023

Dear Mr Bar
As Chair of Polegate’s foremost Mud Wrestling and Ferret Whispering Society, we’ve run out of Mud. And Ferrets. Would you be interested in joining our newly formed Wrestling and Whispering Club?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I love the summer as much as the next octogenarian, but finding myself newly single, I’m struggling to apply my Hawaiian Tropic. If you could spare a minute, I’m on the beach next to Groyne 47.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

MAY 2023

Dear Mr Bar
I performed at Eurovision in 1981. I mounted the stage dressed as Huggy Bear, and sung most of ‘Bright Eyes’ before being wrestled to the ground by a burly, if attractive, security chap. We dated, but split due to musical differences.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

APRIL 2023

Dear Mr Bar
Whilst cleaning my chakras last Tuesday, a pound coin fell out of my sacral chakra. Not what I was expecting, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I decided to find myself last week, so I went to Cumbria. Whilst I can’t say I became enlightened, I did become slightly damp. I’m not ruling out a connection.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

MARCH 2023

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve been asked to give my interests on a dating app. As I’ve aged, those interests have changed. My main interest these days is ‘having an afternoon nap’. Is that appropriate?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
It has come to my attention that I’m ageing. I know this, as I have developed a disproportionate fondness for park benches.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

FEBRUARY 2023

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve decided to identify as an A list millionaire super model. If I’m a bit wrinkly when I see you, it’s because I intend to spend the next month in my bath. Which I’ve identified as a yacht.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As Secretary of Polegate’s ‘Advanced Chakra Cleansing & Bacon Grating’ Society, I am responsible for health & safety. From March, all members will be encouraged to wear hats, unless polishing their crown chakras. In which case hair nets are recommended.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

JANUARY 2023

Dear Mr Bar
I have 3 Pigs and 1 Blanket left over from Christmas. Plus 7 Sprouts. You’re welcome to the lot if you can collect. I’d drop them off but I’m bedridden due to a mystery bout of food poisoning.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

DECEMBER 2022

Dear Mr Bar
If there are only 12 days of Christmas, why does it drag on for over a month?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

NOVEMBER 2022

Dear Mr Bar
Touring with Nik Kershaw in the ‘80s gave me an insight into the life of a rock ’n roll superstar. It was that insight, coupled with my lack of musical ability, that led me to take up professional carp fishing. I’ve never looked back.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

OCTOBER 2022

Dear Mr Bar
As President of Polegate’s ‘Warm to Slightly Hot Water Bathing Society’, I am regularly fending off our cold water rivals. Their common claim that I’ll ‘feel better afterwards’ belies a misunderstanding of how I presently feel, which is invariably good and never in need of a cold dunking.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve been offered the part of James Bond in the next Bond movie, ‘No-one Ever Dies’, where 007 identifies as a woman. I still save the world, but with no loss of life or property damage.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As President of Polegate’s premier Goat Herding & Disco Club, I’ve organised a fund-raising roller disco in the station car park. Tickets are £1.27, which entitles you to a prime organic goat burger and the choice of one track from NOW That’s What I Call Music! 1985, although Level 42’s ‘Something About You’ is slightly scratched, so probably don’t choose that one.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

SEPTEMBER 2022

Dear Mr Bar
As founder member of Polegate’s Mountaineering & Allotment Club, I am planning on making the first known ascent up Butts Brow with a wheelbarrow full of cauliflower cheese. If you’re aware of this having been done before, please let me know as I don’t want to waste my time.
I’m setting out at sunrise on Thursday morning.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As 17th in line to the Earldom of Polegate, I feel it’s important to give back. So l’ve taken all my empty pint glasses back to the Dog & Bucket.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I remember meeting the Queen at the anniversary breakfast of the Polegate Tuna Fishing and Hole Punching Society. As a keen Hole Puncher, she was absolutely thrilled to be invited and barely complained that she had to sit on the floor as we’d run out of chairs.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
As the little known sixth member of the Spice Girls, I rarely get the recognition I deserve. But without me, there would have been no Zig-a-Zig-Ah, and a band without Zig-a-Zig-Ah is like a stew without turnips. That’s right. I was the Spice Girls’ missing turnip.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

AUGUST 2022

Dear Mr Bar
It’s the annual away day of the ‘Sidley & Dunstable Society of Mandolin Tuners and Clay Pigeon Fanciers’. We spent the morning foraging on Tom Cruise’s East Mid-Lothian Ferret and Fungi Farm, and the afternoon in A&E. Join us next year when we’re planning a trip to Judi Dench’s Line Dancing themed Ski-Jump and Apple-bobbing Centre.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Having been mentioned in the latest Reader’s Digest, my life’s ambition has been fulfilled. I intend to spend the rest of my days smoking woodbines and playing the occasional game of pétanque.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

JULY 2022

Dear Mr Bar
Would you have any objection to me bringing a foot spa to Wednesday’s show? Only I have a painful bunion and Epsom Salts are the only thing that gets me through the day. Well, that and a schooner of Harvey’s Bristol Cream.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Congratulations on reopening at the Towner. Can you let the Towner know that I can offer them a unique exhibition of spatulas, sourced largely from Kent in the late 1970s. They could do with a bit of a rinse first though.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

JUNE 2022

Dear Mr Bar
As Chairman of Polegate’s Wakeboarding and Shove Ha’penny Society, I’m responsible for our annual away-day. We don’t currently have any Wakeboards or Ha’pennies. Or members. So if you have any, or would like to join, please call me.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar
I finished all the books yesterday. So if you’ve any jobs that need doing, I’m available.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
Congratulations on your 5 year anniversary. I also recently celebrated an anniversary. It’s been 5 years since I started playing the Tuba and not a day goes by when you can’t hear me belting out Dancing Queen to the happy amusement of the local townsfolk.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

MAY 2022

Dear Mr Bar
As a trainee conspiracy theorist, I agree the Earth is flat. But what about Mars?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate (noticeably flat)

APRIL 2022

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve just returned from a tour of Suffolk with Jennifer Aniston and her
Nasal Accordion. Credit for the success of the tour should, of course,
go to Ms Aniston. However I must point out that our near sell-out gig at
Pontins in Lowestoft would have been a complete failure had I not been
there to improvise on bass triangle and washboard.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve been to the Bavard Bar sixteen and a half times now, and I’m still
none the wiser. Can you help?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

MARCH 2022

Dear Mr Bar
Why do people want to get out of their ‘comfort zone’? I’ve never had a
comfort zone. So if you know of one, please tell me. I’d like to get in
it.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

FEBRUARY 2022

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve always been partial to a boiled egg and a pickled herring and I
wondered whether you would consider serving them as interval snacks?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

JANUARY 2022

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve refined my New Years’ resolutions. Rather than becoming trilingual,
I’ve decided to learn to play the cymbals.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

NOVEMBER 2021

Dear Mr Bar
As founder, and only, member of the Polegate and District Cheese
Pickling Society, I am always on the lookout for new cheeses. And
members. If you know anyone?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

OCTOBER 2021

Dear Mr Bar
Do you know who is responsible for Tupperware Parties? Only I’ve got a
cupboard full of lids I need to return.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I have 17 Noel Edmonds’ shaped egg-cups to give away. Noel was a huge
inspiration to me and my hope is that my egg-cups will enable future
generations to continue to be inspired by him. At least over breakfast.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

SEPTEMBER 2021

Dear Mr Bar
Now that we’ve ‘taken back control’, can you tell me where I can get a
packet of hobnobs and some thermal underwear. Within walking distance.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar
I’ve just returned from a tour of Peckham with William Shatner’s
Washboard and Harmonica Ensemble. If you haven’t heard Shatner tear up
the Prodigy’s Firestarter on a 1950s Columbus washboard you haven’t
lived.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

AUGUST 2021

Dear Mr Bar
I recently joined Polegate’s competitive yoga and mindfulness society.
We were all done in a moment, leaving me free to enjoy an evening’s beer
and skittles down the Frog and Bucket.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

MARCH 2021

Dear Mr Bar
Inspired by Sir David Attenborough, please can you put me down as not
speaking at your online Bavard Bar on 1st April. I look forward to it.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

JUNE 2020

Dear Mr Bar
I may be late to tonight’s show as according to my Zoom online
meditation and ‘be here now’ class, I have to spend today wrapped in
vine leaves. If I can unwrap in time, I’ll see you there.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

MARCH 2020

Dear Mr Bar
On this day in 1971, I spent a glorious afternoon riding pillion for
Peter Purves as a stunt double for Valerie Singleton. The piece never
got aired, as Peter crashed into a horse drawn chariot driven by Lionel
Blair rehearsing for ‘Ben-Hur, the musical’ on the B37 just outside
Welshpool.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

FEBRUARY 2020

Dear Mr Bar, I recently pulled out all the stops. I’d be grateful for your help as I really need to put them back.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, Having recently got science, I moved on to art yesterday, and have now done that. I’ll do music next week and then that’s me done. So I’ll be free to dig over your veg patch from Wednesday onwards.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, At a recent meeting of the Polegate apple-bobbing and thimble-twirling society, a club steeped in controversy over its decision to cancel its 1988 summer away-day to Pevensey following the great 1988 apple and thimble shortage, I felt the decision to allow the use of ‘alternative hard fruit such as pineapples’ was a backward step and one that will only serve to further diminish our club’s reputation.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, Reading my horoscope this morning I was astounded to learn that “finishing a job that has been complicated will fill you with pride.” This has come as such a revelation to me that I’ve decided to finish the washing up, a job I started in June 2007.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

JANUARY 2020

Dear Mr Bar, I wondered if you would be interested in attending the annual dinner-dance of Polegate’s caving and figure-skating club? I have quite a lot of left over turkey, and if you had any sprouts, we could make it a night to remember. Or forget, depending on the state of your sprouts.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, One of my new year’s resolutions was to become more alluring. So I’ve started collecting Austin Allegro Hubcaps. I haven’t found any yet, so please let me know if you come across some.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve decided to work towards financial independence. Any chance you could see your way to giving me tax fee regular income, free housing and unlimited travel to ease the transition?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’d like to apologise to anyone who witnessed my behaviour on Sunday afternoon. I’d had a little too much Bristol Cream at the annual lunch of Polegate’s ‘Tapas and Tapestry Club’. Suffice to say, no-one needed to hear my rendition of ‘Livin La Vida Loca’. Nor did they need to see me perform it wearing just a hi-vis and sombrero.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar,I’ve just booked my summer holiday. Two weeks in East Croydon may not be everyone’s first choice, but if you want to avoid tourists, you may want to consider it.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I was at a loose end last Tuesday, so I decided to get science. Let me know when you’ve a free speaking slot and I’ll happily bavard about it, as it’s all pretty straightforward. Things do get a bit weird on the sub-atomic level, but I’ll probably gloss over that with a bit of whistling.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’ll never forget the advice my old headmistress gave me on my last day of school: “Follow your dreams Cicely. Failing which, on a cost per alcohol percentage basis, sherry is your best bet.”
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I have just founded the 4th East Polegate & Sidley whale-watching society. Observations will be held in my flat as, on a clear day, standing on a chair and using a high-powered telescope, you can get a glimpse of the channel from my bathroom window. We’ll post sightings on all the usual whale-watching channels.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

NOVEMBER 2019

Dear Mr Bar, All this ‘daylight time’ we’ve been ‘saving’. Where are we putting it?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I heard that Buble today, crooning about things “beginning to look a lot like xmas.” Well unless xmas resembles a pair of marigolds and an armful of antifoul, not from where I’m standing.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, As a young woman growing up in Cheam in the 60s, life was tough. It wasn’t until a Berni Inn opened on Cheam High Street in 1970 that my life started to make sense. It closed a year later but at least I’d had a glimmer.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, Apparently, ‘It’s a long way to Tipperary.’ Maybe, but not if you live in Cork.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, congratulations on your move to the Towner. I recently offered the Towner a unique opportunity to display my latest exhibition ‘Silence of the Jams’, a self-curated collection of jam jars from 1983 to 1987. They declined. Their loss was Pevensey & Westham’s Judo and Joinery Club’s gain. Every cloud.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

DECEMBER 2019

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve just heard that much like the inns at the time of the Xmas story, there’s no room at your Bavard Bar at Kino-teatr on 18th December. Is that where the parallel ends or can we expect a virgin birthon the night?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

OCTOBER 2019

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve been led to believe that life is a bit of a journey. That being so, do you have any idea where I put my car keys?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I have developed a new passion and am keen to share it with your audience. Courgettes*. I’ll bring samples. Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate
*Other vegetables are available

Dear Mr Bar, I’m not saying a sub 2 hour marathon isn’t impressive, but I once went round Croydon’s IKEA quicker. Just saying.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, in the mid 60s, at the height of my skiffle career (‘Cicely and her Sponges’), I played the Whitby Empire. It was a rainy night in November, with a wind chill that could freeze sprouts in an Aga, but the crowd that showed up were stoic. And surprised. Never give up. I didn’t, despite persistent requests.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, people, including Enya, often ask me what my inspiration was for ‘Orinoco Flow’. In the mid 80s I managed a plumbers merchants in Wimbledon. It wrote itself.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, I consoled myself for missing out on Glastonbury tickets by remembering that I really like sleeping in a house.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, As captain of Polegate’s long distance snorkeling club, I’m responsible for de-misting members’ goggles. The role was created after the club spent a long weekend in Jamie Oliver’s hot tub, and not the Sussex Ouse as originally planned. Jamie was remarkably sanguine about it, and signed almost all of our snorkels.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

SEPTEMBER 2019

Dear Mr Bar, I’m reminded today of something my father used to say to me: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.’ Advice to live by. You can thank me later.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I noticed recently that you claimed to have been double-glazing windows since records began. When, exactly, did records begin?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why? I recently had the same experience, but in a town. Got off a coach in Skegness. No idea why. So I had some pickled herrings and came home.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I recently attended a conference on the persistent use of workshops at conferences. In my workshop we also considered the persistent use of conferences. Overall, I would have preferred a blue biro, but the mints were great.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, In these uncertain times, I am reminded of something my great aunt used to say: ‘Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.’
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, “Are you going to Scarborough Fair” is a fair question with a limited number of answers comprising yes, no or maybe. “Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme” seems a bit left field. Could you shed any light?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

AUGUST 2019

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve just finished my ‘To do’ list. What now?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, having written the opening line of my first novella, I’m reminded of something my great aunt used to say: “Why do today what you can do tomorrow.” So I’m off down the pub.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, Given the craze of going ‘out out’, I thought I’d stay ‘in in’. I’ve got 7 litres of drinking chocolate, a KFC family bucket, and the entire back catalogue of ‘Songs of Praise’ on VHS. If that’s not a stairway to heaven, I don’t know what is.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

JULY 2019

Dear Mr Bar, at your last Bavard, there was a talk about bottom-reading. I have a bottom and am happy for it to be read. If that helps.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, having been glued to the TV set all day Sunday, I was relieved to have it removed by a surgeon earlier today. My hands may now be gloved, but I’ll be at Wednesday’s Bavard Bar for sure!
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, Given the heat, I’m considering my wardrobe for your August Bavards. Is there a Bavardian dress-code or will flip-flops and a pashmina be acceptable?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, whilst I wasn’t the first person on the moon, I was the first person to use bullet points in East Sussex. A not inconsiderable achievement when you consider a world without such a grammatical system.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

JUNE 2019

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve just cashed in my nectar points from the past 20 years. I didn’t need a desk-tidy, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Free desk-tidy with every Bavard Bar ticket.*
*Desk not included. Tidiness levels may go up as well as down. Always tidy your desk responsibly. Other desk-tidies are available, just not as good.

Dear Mr Bar, I had to withdraw from this year’s Love Island as I had a recurrence of gout. I’ve taken solace in my subscription to ‘Linoleum Today’ and look forward to bavarding soon on a variety of surfaces. Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate.
The Bavard Bar. Come along!

MAY 2019

Dear Mr Bar, they say everyone has a book in them. In case you’re wondering, I don’t.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, as a former Eurovision contestant, I have a number of stories of back-stage shenanigans involving myself, Mr Wogan, three members of Bucks Fizz and the Copenhagen ice hockey team. For a pickled egg and pint of mild, I’ll tell all at your anniversary show. Let me know.
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, as you know, I turned down the role of Sandy in Grease to pursue my vocation as a sea-faring clairvoyant. Whilst that didn’t work out, I do have some stories from my time working on board the Canvey Island ferry in the late ’70s. I’d be happy to ‘bavard’ about them.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

APRIL 2019

Dear Mr Bar, on reflection, making Kate Bush’s ‘Greatest Hits’ the only album I took to my desert island was a mistake. I’m not saying there aren’t some classics on there, but 28 years of ‘Babooshka’ has left me as weak as a kitten.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve recently returned from spending 28 years on a desert island, just off the A27. I passed the time by inventing the internet and fine-tuning the recipe for dairylea slices. Let me know if you’re in need of a cheese and web based talk and I’ll happily step up.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate

MARCH 2019

Dear Mr Bar, I understand your little show is having a 2nd birthday party on Thursday. I can’t be there as it clashes with the annual dinner of the ‘Polegate Falconry and Foliage Society’. Put me down to speak at the next one though. I’ll deal with feathers and Alfred, my other half, will cover leaves.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, as you know, I was the first person to free climb El Capitan, an achievement I now liken to doing your ‘Oojah Kappivvy’. Fewer finger holds but equally vertiginous. Any news on ‘Bohemia Road’…?
Yours, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve just finished my first memoir entitled ‘Whole lotta lycra’. It’s about my time with Bejam’s cycling team in the mid 1970s. I’d be happy to talk about it, but it’s quite racy.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate

FEBRUARY 2019

Dear Mr Bar, as a former member of the Underwater Bell-ringers and Ballroom-dancers Union (I championed the merger), I have a wealth of aquatic knowledge. As well as lots of bells. I would be happy to give a demonstration at one of your shows if you’d like?
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, as a long-standing fan of Baywatch, I heard a rumour that The Hoff is bavarding at Wednesday’s show. Supported by Rick Astley on kettledrum. Could this be true?
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, your next show clashes with the reunion of the ‘Totnes and Scunthorpe Dry-skiing Club’, which club I founded in the early 1970s. It was a splinter group from the ‘Rye and Pebsham Snowboarders Society’. We’d like to come, could you reserve us some seats?
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

JANUARY 2019

Dear Mr Bar, Would you have any use for a heated oven glove? It’s an unwanted gift as I have decided to exist on a diet of raw food for the first half of 2019. I don’t expect to make it to the second half.
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate.

Dear Mr Bar, I’ve just heard that the people of Sidley have voted to leave Rother and set up a Municipality similar to Monaco. Only with fewer yachts. Would you like to go halves on a timeshare there with me?
Yours, Mrs Cicely Sponge, Polegate

DECEMBER 2018

Dear Mr Bar, I may be late to Wednesday’s Bavard Bar as I’ve just returned from a tour of Finland with Sylvester Stallone’s ‘Magical recorder band’ and am nursing a hangover following an end of tour game of Twister. ‘What goes on tour stays on tour’, but suffice to say Mr Stallone is incredibly flexible for a man of his years.
Yours sincerely, Cicely Sponge, Polegate

Dear Mr Bar, I see from Facebook that the December ‘bavards’ are xmas specials. I’m not one for xmas, although I am partial to a warm sherry. Will there be any?
Yours, Mrs Sponge, Polegate.